Don’t Tell Grandma You’re Gay!
It will KILL her!
by Terry Hamilton,
Chairman,
California Log Cabin
I am the first grandchild. My grandmother loved me best, at least for four years. After the second grandchild arrived, we still had a special relationship. Four additional grandchildren didn’t weaken our close bond. I didn’t start coming out to my family until 30. My mom accepted me. I had no negative reactions from other family and friends. So why did it take me so long to be fully honest with grandma? One of the reasons, I was told by my favorite aunt, “Don’t tell grandma you are gay, it will kill her!” It seemed like a good enough reason to delay what would be a difficult conversation. It wasn’t time yet. So, I told everyone else but didn’t tell Grandma Emmy, who by this time was over 70 years old. I didn’t want to be the one responsible for her demise.
Ten years later, I finally got the courage to broach the subject. Not being honest with her had created a barrier between us. We weren’t as close as we once were. I planned a luncheon at Grandma’s favorite restaurant, Rubens. Right after we sat down, Grandma ordered a glass of white wine. It took me ten minutes to get the courage to bring up the subject. When I was almost ready to begin the big reveal, all of a sudden, she swiped her wine glass from the table and put it on the floor. Trying not to look too shocked, I leaned over and whispered, “Is everything O.K.?” Grandma whispered back, “We have to leave, that’s my pastor.” Sure enough, I recognized her pastor, the brother-in-law of Dr. James Dobson sitting at the next table. Even though grandma had been a member of the Nazarene church for thirty years, she didn’t want her pastor to know she had an occasional glass of wine. Grandma had her own secrets too.
Grandma and I left the restaurant so that she would be more comfortable to hear my news. We went to De Lacey’s Club 41 in Old Pasadena and found a private booth for two, to help avoid another church connection. She ordered another glass of wine. I braced myself with a dry Beefeater martini with two olives. I knew my news might be a bombshell for Grandma. I worried about how she would react, but I knew I needed to be honest.
“Grandma, would you want a grandchild to tell you something important about themselves, even it the news might be upsetting to you?” I started the conversation. Calmly, looking me in the eye with a loving smile on her face, she replied, “I have known for years. Don’t you remember, a few years ago, I told you that I would always love you, not matter what?”
I didn’t know how my revelation was going to go with Grandma. One option--I thought she might have rejected me. Why else would I have waited for years to share something that was getting in the way of a completely honest relationship? The other scenario was something like this. I imagined that Grandma might say, “I understand. I still love you, but my church says that homosexual relations are sinful. You need to repent and stop”. I wasn’t prepared to hear such an accepting and loving response from the woman who had loved me for decades. Did Grandma have any advice? “Just stay clean.” It was her way to remind me to be careful. In hindsight, how could I have doubted Grandma Emmy?
Grandma almost lived long enough to see my partner John and I celebrate our 25th anniversary. She passed away just a couple of days before our big party with all of our family and close friends. Her memorial service was on the same day as our party. The morning before her service I had a dream in full color, which is unusual for me. I was in a beautiful garden with lots of flowers, exotic animals, and a peaceful stream. I found Grandma there enjoying the beauty and the peace. “Don’t worry about me, Terry, everything is fine. Live your life without worry”.
Tell YOUR Story
The Courage to Lead, Step I
Each of us has personal stories to tell. You probably have a personal story that you could tell too. It is very important that we tell our stories. Our stories form the basis of all that we can accomplish in Log Cabin. If we can connect with other people, gay or Republican, our mission will be advanced much faster. I believe that Log Cabin can grow EXPONENTIALLY. This growth will happen if we learn how to tell our stories – who we are, what we believe, and why we choose to be Republican.
I did not choose my orientation. I choose to make a difference. I choose to make the Republican Party more inclusive. After twenty years of work, I believe that this is the best choice for me.
You are invited to “Tell Your Story”. Please send your story to: terrywhamilton@earthlink.net . Stories will be published in Inclusion WEST and placed on our website so that everyone can learn about LGBT Americans and Log Cabin Republicans. Take time to start writing your story. Have the “Courage to Lead”. You may be surprised about how good it makes your feel. You will become a leader in Log Cabin.
Those interested in telling their story to a larger audience will have an opportunity to receive training from experts in public speaking. In the near future, our sister organization, Liberty Education Forum (LEF) will be offering a full day training at selected locations in the west. My goal is to have all Log Cabin leaders take this training, including presidents of chapters, caucus leaders, and board members. How many of you would be interested in taking this training? Let me know at terrywhamilton@earthlink.net . Also, let me know if you would prefer this training via webinar or teleconference.
OUR Story – Making the Republican Party more inclusive
You may not be ready to tell your story. You can still help move us all forward. Become a member of Log Cabin NOW. Your membership makes a statement. It says that you belong to a group that is making American a better for everyone – Liberty for All Americans, including gays and lesbians. If you are already a member of a local chapter, please continue to support that chapter here: Membership in Local Chapters.
