I first wanted to be a straight ally because I needed to do something more than accept my LGBT friends.  They are special to me and I am proud that they are comfortable telling me that are gay or lesbian.  When I went to social gatherings with other LGBT persons, they felt comfortable socializing with me.  I valued my meaningful relationships with persons within the LGBT community.  We would acknowledge and discuss LGBT issues and how they relate to our own identity, our friendships, our family relationships, and our relationship with society.

But I did not feel that I was “qualified” to be a straight ally.  I did not have a family member who “came out” as openly gay or lesbian.  I recall talking to my straight friends who had LGBT siblings or to parents with a LGBT son or daughter.  From my perspective, they had more insight into LGBT issues because they knew that it was like when one of their family relatives “came out.”  I did not have these experiences, so how could I relate?

If someone were to describe me, would they describe me as a straight ally to the LGBT community?  Could I be identified as someone who is fully aware of LGBT issues?  During my multicultural training in my psychology doctoral program at the University of Missouri, I viewed my professors as multiculturally competent.  Would someone identify me as competent in LGBT issues and as a straight ally to the LGBT community?

I had to answer “no.”  Honestly, I felt that just accepting LGBT individuals was not enough.  Just having LGBT friends was not enough,  Like any unjustly marginalized group, the LGBT community continuously deals with oppression and discrimination.  Furthermore, the LGBT deals with people who use the Bible as “evidence” that being gay is fundamentally wrong.  How would I respond if someone proclaimed me as fundamentally flawed based on religious text?  In the end, I assessed myself as uncomfortable with being too passive and I experienced an inner urgency to do more.

So I have to “start there.”  It was not enough for me to say I accepted LGBT individuals and that I was against oppression of the LGBT community.  If I wanted to “do more”, what would it look like?  What would be the model?  Should I read plenty of literature on the LGBT community?  Should I take every opportunity to strike down LGBT jokes?  Do I fight legislation that prohibits LGBT individuals from having the same privileges and rights as heterosexuals?  At this point, I felt I had a problem with credibility and identity.  If I wanted to portray myself as a straight ally to the LGBT community, what evidence would I have to back my claim?  Where would I start?

As I reflected and talked with others I trustee, I concluded that I could offer my emotional reaction and my beliefs about what was right.  I do have noteworthy experiences with LGBT individuals.  On one occasion, I was riding in a car with a gay couple, and one man talked about his family’s struggle to accept his gay identity.  During that car ride, I remember being silent, wanting to say something to show my understanding, but feeling unable to do so.  On another occasion, I remember feeling proud that, while casually talking with friends, a gay man complemented me by saying I could be his date for a school dance.  At a wedding, I remember other persons making fun of a gay man, and I felt unable to quell their homophobic remarks.  I remember other persons saying that being gay has to be biologically rooted because why would anyone intentionally choose to be gay?  There were times I wished I could have done more rather than be silent. 

So I had to “start there”.  I wanted an active voice.  During my internship, I had an opportunity to produce an outreach event.  My task was to construct a short program to promote psychology issues for interested college students.  I will always remember this opportunity as the time when I “got started”.  I decided that I would create an outreach event titled “Being a Straight Ally to the LGBT Community”.  As soon as I started, I became nervous; I did a literature search and found nothing substantial on this topic.  During my doctoral training, I became extensively involved with multicultural issues.  I took several courses, participated in projects and workshops to learn about race issues, ethnic identity, and LGBT issues.  During my search, it occurred to me that there were no models or literature that dealt with LGBT straight allies.  So I felt even more at a loss because there were few, if any, models that could guide my wish to become a straight ally.

I had to start elsewhere.  My internship had three wonderful staff members who proved to be a source of encouragement and validation.  It was important for me to feel safe to say, “This is what I want to do.  I want to be a credible, confident, ally to the LGBT community.  I do not know where to start, I do not know what being an ally would mean, and I do not know how to lead this outreach event.”  All three reacted with positive welcome, it was actually refreshing for them to hear that a straight individual wanted to come forward and “do more” for the LGBT community.

Furthermore, my issue of wanting to be “credible” was not an issue for them.  My internship staff counselors were right – Exactly why did I want to be “credible”?  Therefore, my first lesson was examining my need to be “credible”.  Turns out, I wanted to be “credible” because I was afraid that others might ridicule me.  For example, I was afraid that others would question my motives.  Why would I speak for LGBT persons if I were not gay?  What investment would I possibly have in the LGBT community?  I then realized that this was my first experience of what it is like to live in fear for proclaiming who you truly are.  I wanted to be a straight ally, and I was afraid of coming out as a straight ally.  I thought that knowledge was the only way to justify my claim as a straight ally.  Now, I suddenly realized that I had shared experience of being afraid of being who I want to be.  I felt empowered because I was angry that I had to be timid about wanting to be who I wanted to be.  I felt angry that there was a possibility that others might ridicule me for wanting to be a straight ally.  Rather than retreating in fear, I could fight back this fear.

My second lesson was truly realizing that issues of persecution are pertinent for everybody.  The third staff member I talked to sheared stories about how a straight family member was mistaken for being gay and subsequently accosted.  At that point, this staff member realized that prejudice and hate was not about specifically discriminating LGBT individuals.  Anybody and everybody is a target for hate because there will always be someone who feels justified in hating another person.  At that point, as a straight ally, you are not speaking out about the rights of a particular group, you are speaking about he rights of everyone to be treated with respect and free from misguided perceptions of others.

At this point, I was energized.  I felt I had a starting point.  I became comfortable with being a beginner.  During my journey towards developing my straight ally identity, I wanted to hear stories of hate and prejudice.  I became confident that I was not starting from “nothing”.  I was staring from my own experience.  Yes, I was still in the beginning stages of my development, but no longer was I timid about being a “beginner”.  Rather, I was starting to feel comfortable at being an “expert” about the early process of becoming a straight ally.

So now I “started” to explore.  I have always wanted to be a part of a group that addresses these issues and my first logical place was with the national organization, Parents and Friends for Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG).  I attended my first meeting and immediately met an old friend and found out that after all these years he was gay.  We have maintained our friendship ever since.  The PFLAG meeting was illuminating.  Many family members were happy to see me as a straight person at PFLAG simply because I wanted to be there.   It also altered my assumption that everyone at PFLAG was comfortable as a parent or friend of a gay or lesbian individual.  There are those who have fully accepted his or her gay or lesbian relatives or friends and there are some who still struggle with acceptance.  However, PFLAG provided a space to feel comfortable and talk openly about acceptance by sharing stories about the difficulties and joys of being a friend or relative of a LGBT individual.

Even those who are comfortable with their LGBT relatives face additional struggles.  For example, one mother came to PFLAG and talked about how her daughter was not sure if she could confide in her other family members.  So only the mother shared her daughter’s secret.  The mother had to conceal from the remaining family members that the mother was going to PFLAG.  A father described how difficult it was for him to hear his fellow co-workers joke about homosexuals.  He could not risk telling his co-workers that he was offended because he was afraid of the potential backlash from disclosing that he has a gay son.  Listening to these stories, I realized that the end goal is not simply accepting LGVT individuals.  Parents and heterosexual people need to straight allies too; they may face discrimination for being a straight ally.  We need others who understand how hard it is to live in a homophobic society.  Straight allies can set the tone that it is not enough to simply accept; only active advocacy and open support can truly assert that discrimination of LGBT individuals, as well as the parents and friends of LGBT individuals is wrong.

These experiences were invaluable to me.  I began to see my purpose and identity as a straight ally.  Based on my experiences with PFLAG and other groups, I began to construct the outline for my outreach event, “Being a Straight Ally to the LGBT Community”.  I presented this event at a Midwestern university campus as part of their LGBT Pride week.  I came up with fifteen reasons why it is important to be a straight ally to the LGBT community.  The event consisted of passing this list to the participants and I would lead a discussion regarding their reactions to the list.  The list is as follows:

“It is important to be a straight ally?..”

1.       ...so other heterosexuals can learn how to stop any form of persecuting LGBT individuals.

2.       ...so we can dispel the myths and misconceptions of the LGBT community that are held by majority society.

3.       ...because straight allies need to support other straight individuals who are coping with their own biases and discomfort with LGBT individuals.

4.       ...because the feeling of being marginalized from mainstream society can be intense for a LGBT individual.  Straight allies help LGBT individuals feel free to be a part of all society, as opposed to having LGBT individuals feel that only the LGBT community can accept them.

5.       ...because LGBT individuals can comfortably and securely claim their identity when they know that straight individuals also accept the LGBT individual’s identity.

6.       ...because a LGBT person may not feel supported or accepted by his or her own LGBT community and need to rely on straight allies for safety and support.  LGBT individuals may have their own biases about the LGBT community or the LGBT community may have communicated some bias against the LGBT individual.  Such biases make it difficult for a LGBT individual to “fit in” within the LGBT community and may look to straight allies for acceptance.

7.       ...so LGBT individuals can look to straight allies as role models for how they hope the “coming out”  process will be like when they are ready to “come out” to their families and friends.

8.       ...because a LGBT person may need a positive emotional experience from straight allies if the LGBT individual’s own families or friend will not support him or her.

9.       ...because LGBT individuals in the process of “coming out” may feel the straight community is labeling their feelings as deviant, inappropriate, or transitional.  Straight allies can provide a supportive emotional experience by appreciating and valuing the LGBT individual’s struggle with the “coming out” process.

10.   ...because straight friends or family members who know of an individual’s LGBT identity may need to keep the LGBT individual’s secret from others.  Straight allies can help these straight members cope with this uncomfortable experience.

11.   ...because straight individuals may be threatened or slandered if they express any affection for the same sex individuals.  Prejudice against the LGBT community restricts how straight individuals can express affection for one another.

12.   ...because straight allies need other straight allies to “come out” so they too can be supported as being an advocate for the LGBT community.

13.   ...because even if a LGBT individual, or a family member or friend of a LGBT individual, has “come out” within their family home or their circle of friends, LGBT individuals and straight allies still have to decide if it is safe to “come out” within other settings, such as his or her workplace, school, social club, etc.  Straight allies can help make every setting or environment a safe place for LGBT individuals.

14.   ...so they can change environments or settings (e.g. schools, workplaces, institutions) that are not taking a clear stance regarding LGBT individuals.  If we do not clearly support and encourage LGBT individuals within our own environments or settings, we are in effect leaving them at the mercy of passive sexual stereotypes inherent within these environments and settings.

15.   ...it is simply the right thing to do.

A comment about reason #15:  As I was reviewing the first fourteen reasons, I realized that I left out the most important one.  In constructing these reasons, my purpose was to write down “reasonable” responses to those who might question why I am striving to become a straight ally.  I was anticipating that I had to debate others; to justify my reasons for standing up for LGBT rights; to combat a homophobic society.  I suddenly realized that these reasons were empty because I forgot a crucial piece: discrimination and hurting others is inherently wrong.  No one should have to live with feeling hated for who they are.  So I ended the program with reason #15; being a straight ally is simply the right thing to do.

The response to this outreach event was astounding.  Many straight persons came to the outreach event and said it was their first chance to “come out” as a straight ally to the LGBT community.  Many LGBT individuals attended because they were glad that straight individuals were presenting programs to address homophobia.  I received an enormous thank you from the LGBT outreach center at the university.  The program turned a corner for me.  I found others who were also struggling to be a straight ally.  I was no longer alone and I was relieved to have other straight allies to share my struggle with.  We realized that to be a true ally means remaining curious about your identity as an ally.  By being honest about ourselves, acknowledging what we know and what we want to do, and remaining true to our desire to be an ally, we can claim that we are allies to the LGBT community.

After a year of being involved in PFLAG and presenting the outreach event, I marched in my first Gay Pride Parade in Chicago.  The experience was wonderful.  Our PFLAG section received the loudest cheers.  Proud parents held up signs stating, “Our children free at last” or “God blessed me with a Gay Son”.  I walked arm in arm with a gay man and crowds cheered our embrace.  I have marched in the parade twice now and I always have mixed emotions.  While I am proud to be part of the PFLAG organization and will constantly set goals for myself to be a straight ally, I am often beset with the feeling that I have not done enough.  Maybe that is the way I will always perceive myself.  Maybe it will be my incentive to keep advocating, to keep being involved, to keep learning, to keep experiencing, so that I can combat my own complacency and continually stretch myself to help rid society of homophobia and hate.  I now know that I no longer have to worry about whether I am qualified or credible.  To be a straight ally, you start with what you know.  You “start there” and explore and develop to be the straight ally you wish to be.  It has been a great journey for me and I will know that by the next Gay Pride Parade, I can look back each year and find that I have continually and confidently explored ways to be a straight ally.

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